


Dear Doctor

by clarasptx



Category: Doctor Who
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 01:59:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5849650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarasptx/pseuds/clarasptx





	1. One.

Dear Doctor.  
I’ve started a diary as letters to you. These diaries are meant to be Ashildr’s, but I stole one. I’ve been marking the number of days since I last saw you on the chalkboard in the study. 364. Almost one full earth year. I just wish I could see you again. I wish you could remember me. I miss your hugs, I miss your smile and I miss your goofy demeanour. Of course, Ashildr is a great companion, but things just aren’t the same. I’m a so called control freak, I don’t like change. Even after a year, you think I’d be over it. No. Never going to happen. The thought that you wanted your last memory of me to be me smiling breaks my heart on a regular basis, knowing you wouldn’t remember me.

When I saw you in the Diner, I knew you had no idea it was me, so I asked you to tell me about myself, to see how you remembered me. You said “If I ever see her again, I’d know”. You didn’t know. You never will. I’ve tried everything to try and move on, Ashildr and I have been on numerous adventures together, exploring planets full of Christmas trees, we even went back to see the Rings of Akhaten again. I couldn’t do it though. I couldn’t force myself out of the TARDIS, knowing it would distort my memories of it, and replace them with new ones. Ashildr said it was wonderful, though.

I was going to visit the Ice Warrior Hives that you mentioned once, but I doubt I’d have made it out alive. Can I make that joke? Too soon I reckon. I’ve been ‘alive’ for almost a year, and it’s been a pretty wonderful year, minus missing you. I’ve visited Jane numerous times, much to Ashildr’s annoyance. She asks about you. I always tell her you’re busy, or you dropped me off for a visit, and hide the TARDIS as a tree or something. I love the chameleon circuits.

I just hope, that someday in the future, you remember me. I hope that I can one day find you again, maybe on Gallifrey, when I finally decide to go back to my certain death. You mean so much to me, you showed me things nobody else can, you taught me to be brave, you taught me that everything has a solution, and that violence is never the answer. A good slap doesn’t count, though.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I reversed the polarity. I’m sorry we became the Hybrid. I’m sorry Ashildr sent you to your confession dial. I’m sorry for everything. Most of it is my fault, and there’s nothing I can do about it. If there were, I’d have done it by now. I’m sorry in advance for when I go back to my death and you have to watch that, and I’m sorry that I was so reckless and stupid. I still stand by it though. Rigsy deserved to live.

I had a thought the other day, about the Nanoblock. You said it was Human compatible. If I reversed the polarity, does that affect the compatibility? If it doesn’t, then it shouldn’t and wouldn’t have worked on you. It can’t have worked. Could it? I’ll look into it more. I’ll ask the TARDIS.

Until later,  
Your Clara.


	2. Two.

Dear Doctor.  
It’s been three weeks since I last wrote to you, and all Ashildr and I have done is fought. I wanted to go and visit Jane again, but Ashildr refused to let me, so when she was in the bathroom, I changed the TARDIS destination. Fair to say she hasn’t spoken to me since. Something about ‘betraying her trust’. Shes just been sat in her bedroom writing in her diary and reading books, only leaving for food and drinks from the kitchen. We haven’t been on an adventure since that morning, and I’m beginning to regret what I did. I know all I have to do is say sorry, but I am too damn stubborn to do it. You would know what to do. You would shout at me in your Scottish accent until I apologised, regardless of how much you hate her. You always knew what to do. I’m still learning.

Before this fight, we marked one Earth year on the TARDIS with a little celebration, by visiting that planet where they’re constantly celebrating New Year. That was fun. I remember the two weeks we spent there, when I lost my sunglasses. I didn’t find them though. I think they’re lost forever.  
You always talked about going home, and finding Gallifrey, and eventually you did. What was it like, what did it feel like when you found it? I’ll go there eventually, but I’m not sure I’m ready yet. I miss home, do you reckon I could go back to 2005 and revisit my mum? Watch from the outside? I miss her a lot. Or could I find her in an afterlife of some form? I just want to see her again.

How do you cope with loss? I never really asked you, I guess I was scared to. Do you hide away from everyone and cry for a month, or do you accept it, move on, and remember the good times? I need to learn how to do that. Ashildr has no problems with that. She’s lived for centuries.

I might just go and apologise, you know. I knew that writing to you would help. I can imagine you sat laughing at me because of my stubborn nature, telling me to grow up, and go and apologise. I sometimes hear your voice, in my head, whenever I’m in a situation where I wished you were here. You’re always there telling me what to do, even though you’re not really there. I thought I saw the TARDIS the other day, in New York, 2156. Some science festival or something was going on, I wasn’t really paying attention, and it was just Ashildr’s revenge plan, boring me to tears. Turns out it wasn’t you, just a genuine 1960’s phone box. They’re really popular in 2156. Keep hold of yours.

It’s a few hours later now, and I apologised to Ashildr, but not before her fulfilling her, erm, needs. I’m knackered. I guess I’ll write to you when something more interesting happens, like we meet a Dalek or something. Ashildr said she’s never really met one. Must find her one then. How do you get to Skaro? You’d know.

Until later,  
Your Clara.


End file.
